


Daffodil amongst Thorns

by AlexanderTemple



Category: Based on true story, Original Work
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Boarding School, Bullying, Courage, Diapers, Feminine boy, Friendship, Humiliation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Name-Calling, Teasing, Teenager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23327122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderTemple/pseuds/AlexanderTemple
Summary: Based on a true story.Bullying has always been there and has caused so much pain and suffering.This is a story about a teenage boy that goes to a boarding school. He is not like other boys and is bullied and teased constantly.  What will happen to his self-esteem and will he have courage?Will he survive?(NB there are references to abuse in his life before boarding school)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. 1. The Daffodil

I lived in a small village in County Cork in Ireland. Everyone knew each other and there was a good community spirit. This is probably needed when only 700 people live in a town. The town had two small shops, a community center, a school and of course a Church. It was a place where people took the time to help each other and speak with each other. Religion was important and was one thing that bound the people together.

Living in this village was as if we lived in a time capsule. People's views and morality were the same as their grandparents, and fashion was not really important. People wanted the town to be like one big family, where everyone had a responsibility and where everyone was safe.

I was not lucky. I had some bad experiences with certain men from the town. I Will not talk about what happened, or the abuse, as that is a story for itself. The reason I mention it is to show that I have seen the dark side of society that has scared me in more ways than I could describe. This is important to remember, as my self-esteem and the way I reacted to things were influenced by this.

I lived with my parents and my 3 brothers. I was the second oldest child and was often considered the black sheep of the family. I did not like the things they did, and I was treated differently from they were. They could spend hours playing sport or watching sport on TV. I was different. I would love to cook and write and sit and play with the kittens. Making crowns from flowers or trying to make baskets from nature was also a favorite.

My mom was sure that I would be a girl when she was pregnant. She was depressed when a boy was born. She always saw the feminine side of me and wanted that side to shine. This meant that she did not like me with short hair. In fact, she treated me as a girl until I was a teenager. I was transgender and did not even realize it. It was only when I was older, that I could see that a boy had short hair and did not wear girl's clothes. Mom accepted it when I rebelled and allowed me to be the person that I wanted to be.

Looking back at myself as I became a teenager. I looked like a boy. I still had long hair and I refused to get it cut. Despite that I tried to be a boy, I was very feminine in my interests and the way I looked and acted. It did not help that I did not enter puberty until I was 15. My voice did not break and I spoke with a high-pitched voice.

Despite the way my mother treated me, my parents were very conservative. At times, I felt like we were trophies and the image that we were properly behaved and had the right morals were important. We were told to only speak when someone spoke to us and not be a burden to other people. My parents were very religious, and they did their best to teach us about the church. This was despite that there was not a Bible in our house.

I went to a small school with 100 pupils. There were only 18 in my class. When you are only 18, then there was no room for drama or bullying. If you had a problem, then you would meet in the local park and fight it out. After this fight, everything would be forgotten and you were best friends again. Maybe it was because I was different, but I was involved in many fights. My tactic was to hit the persons’ throat, so they would fall to the ground, unable to breathe. Of course, there were fights in which this did not happen and I ended in pain on the ground.

One boy was teased. His name was Gerald. He came every day with a red suitcase and an apple in his hand. His mom walked him to school and gave him a kiss and a hug as she left. He was teased that he was a “momma boy” and it did not help that he was somewhat plump in stature. I was no saint. I was the one that teased him the most. Why did I tease him? I suppose it gave me status and power. I did try to apologize and try to be his friend. He refused and told me to stay away from him.

I was not bullied or teased. This is despite that I was different. I did not play sports like the others, and the only thing I was good at was swimming. They thought I was feminine but never gave me a bad time about it.

I did not have lots of friends. I had a few that were good friends. Granny told me once that this was normal. Girls always wanted best friends, while boys just liked hanging around in a group. My best friend's name was Timmy. He was overweight while I was skinny, and he did not get the good grades that I got. We were different and best friends. He was always worried about me as he suspected that I had dark secrets. I never did tell him about the abuse I experienced. I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth.

Gerald because was a Momma’s boy and I teased him. This was very a contradiction in itself. If anyone in the class was a momma’s boy it was me. She always told people that I was her favorite and this. I admired my mother and respected her a lot. I helped her do housework and even went shopping with her. This may not sound like anything to boast about. It was! Shopping with my mother was a challenge. We would go to Mallow, which was like a city to me. Mom would start on one side of the town and visit every shop. She knew the shopkeepers and would gossip with them. Then we would go to another shop and hear the same gossip. In the end, you could recite the gossip. This was torture and it did not help with all the people she met on the street.

When I became a teenager, our relationship changed. I was changing as I secretly was being abused. This eroded my self-esteem and made me more negative. The teenage hormones made it sure that I would rebel against my mother. We would shout and yell at each other and say the worse things we could think of. In a way, my mother was a victim. The anger I had was not because of her. The anger was the pain that the abuse has caused me. These fights became very common.

Another thing that changed me was when we talked about university one evening while we ate. I was luckier than my brothers, as my grades were very good. I wanted to do something with my life. Maybe I could be a teacher or even a priest. This was at a time when unemployment was high and there was not much hope for the future. I knew that the only way to survive was to go to university. Dad disagreed and said that he had no money to send us to university. We could work with him and get a trade.

Dad's work was in construction. He thought to have a trade was a life long security. I disagreed and thought that third-level education gave me more opportunities in life. I had helped my dad when I had free time, and I hated every second of it. Construction was an important job, it was not just for me. We lived in a world where you did not have to follow in your father's footsteps. I wanted something else.

The fighting with my mother and the bleak prospects made me decide that I had to get out of town. I was only 14 and there were not a lot of options. I always told my parents that I wanted to be a priest and opportunity hit when a religious brother visited us one day. He said I should go to boarding school where I would slowly enter the religious world. I jumped at the opportunity and begged my parents to let me go. My dad finally agreed although I could see him worry at how much it would cost. I never thought that this was how much my parents loved me. They would sacrifice many things to help me.

Going to boarding school was a chance or me to get away from the secret abuse. It was away to get away from the invisible leash of my parents. It was a way to see the world and have a bright future.

When I told my friends, they thought I was a snob. Timmy said that only rich and spoiled children go to boarding school and I would never survive. Even the teachers thought it was a bad idea. One teacher asked me was the small school not good enough. Another teacher told me that ambition was a dangerous thing to have. Ambition would lead to sinning and unhappiness!

I was always close to my grandmother. She was worried. She had a serious talk with me one day when she said, “You are about to leave your family and face the world. I am afraid that you are trying to escape something you are hiding as a secret. You can never hide from problems, they follow you. You are so naive and have been protected by your family and town. It’s like a daffodil amongst thorns. Remember to keep a good heart and keep our Lord by your side.”

The day came when we drove to the boarding school. I had two suitcases packed and was excited as if it was Christmas Eve. The drive took us two hours. Mom was giving advice all the way.

We drove in my father's work van. When we came to school, I could see that other boys were getting out of the most expensive cars imaginable. I was embarrassed as I did not want to see them come out of a van. However, dad was losing his patience and I got out as quickly as I could

I stood there with my suitcases and was just astounded. This School was so large!

**_To be continued_ **


	2. 2. School Princess

My mouth was wide open as I looked at the school. It was a huge building with so many windows. We walked up these steps and the entrance doors were so big. As we entered the school, there were shiny wooden floors and panel walls. The place looked so posh as it could have been a palace in France. I looked at the walls and could see pictures of old pupils. This place had a spirit and a past. It was strange to think that I would now be part of it. 

Dad told me to close my mouth as it looked as if I was trying to catch flies. I explained that the school was so big and it was so posh. This made Dad laugh and said that the school should be posh, with the huge tuition he had to pay. I could see the other boys walk and have a strange smile when Dad said this. This was one time that I thought that the ground should swallow me up. A fact of life is that sometimes, parents can be so embarrassing. 

Luckily, a religious brother came and welcomed us to the school. His name was Brother Patrick. He did not smile and simply said that he would show us where the dorms were. He walked quickly as we went up steps like was in the titanic. The dorms were on the top floor. This were hundreds of steps to be carrying suitcases. Luckily my dad helped me.

As we walked up, Brother Patrick told us about the school. There were 1,300-day pupils and 200 boarders. The school was praised for its academic level and results. It also had a fine sports team and choir. The school had a strong catholic tradition and being a good Catholic with Catholic morals and respecting the church was important. Brother Patrick finished his speech by saying that I was coming here as a boy. When I left, I would be a man. 

We were shown the cubical where I would sleep. This was not posh. The top floor was divided into cubicles. It basically had 3 wooden sides and a curtain that we could open and close. There was a small bed inside, as well as a wardrobe, a small table, and a chair. This would be my home for a few years. It was not what I expected, but I could put up with it. 

It was a bit annoying that Brother Patrick did not smile. In fact, he did not seem all that impressed with me. He warned me to not let my hair grow longer than it was. This surprised me, as I had a haircut before I came. He then looked at Mom and Dad and said a quick goodbye was the best. 

This suited my dad. He said goodbye as soon as Brother Patrick went. Mom did not want to go. She was giving me one bit of advice after another. It became worse when she started crying and said that I was not ready for this. This made Dad shrug his shoulder and say that it was about time that I toughened up. 

Tears welled up in my eyes as I seen my parents leave. 

I went back to my cubical and decided that I would unpack. The first thing I did was to hang a Madonna poster on the wall. I was a Madonna fan and the poster made this small cubical feel like it was a bedroom, and not something you would see in a stable. I did not know why I needed so many clothes, as I was going home in a month. I managed to unpack the suitcases. 

I sat on the bed thinking “what now”. Then I saw a boy looking over the cubical. He must have been standing on the bed. He said that it was nice that new blood was at the school and asked me to come over and visit him. 

When I found his cubical, I was shocked. He was sitting on his bed wearing boxers and shaving his legs. This was something that was so new to me. Why would a boy shave his legs? I did not know if I should laugh or what. I just stood there in shock. His name was Andrew. He explained to me that he did not like hair on his body and shaved it off. He wanted to know if I had the same problem. I was speechless. This made Andrew laugh as he said that I was one of the few that has not started puberty yet. 

Some other boys joined us and they were talking about what they have done during the summer. I did not have much to boast about, as I spent most days helping my Dad with his work. It was strange listening to them, as they talked about holidays in exotic places all over the world. While I was slaving away on some construction sites, they were sunbathing in some resort. 

Andrew turned his attention to me and asked if I was transgender. I asked why would he even think that. Andrew pointed to the pocket in my jeans that had small flowers sewn in. I must have gone red as a tomato, as I never really paid attention to this. Andrew also pointed at my head and said that I had long hair for a boy. Why was everyone concerned with my hair? I had it cut!

The other boys started joking and said that I had a high pitched voice. Andrew did not make it better by saying that it was because I did not start puberty yet. I wanted to reply but did not know what to say. Things got worse as one boy said the only logical answer was that I was gay. This made me get mad as I said that I was not gay. It was a sin to be gay! It also hurt as it made me think that they knew I was the victim of abuse. 

This was not the best introduction to the others at school. I decided to explore the school. There was after I changed my clothes and made sure there were no flowers on them. The building was huge. There were two floors that were used for dorms. The brothers lived on a floor as well as a small chapel. There was a floor for classes and the office. There was also a huge study hall here. In the basement, there was a small school shop, a TV room, a games room and a room for table tennis and billiards. The cantine was also in the basement.

I went back up to Andrew and hoped that he would be much nicer this time. He did not seem happy to see me. He told me that he had strange feelings about me. 

“It is like you need to be protected,” he said, “I feel as if I should be your big brother. This means that I want to give you advice and help you, but I do not want to be seen with you. That would be bad for my image.”

As I was in my bed that night, I thought about everything that happened that day. So much happened and so much was new. Andrew did not want to be my friend because I would hurt his image. This was strange. What was his image? He shaved his legs! Did that mean that people thought I was weird?

I fell asleep and was soon woken up by a boy beside me. He told me that he could not sleep because I snored. This was something that plagued my family. It was so embarrassing. The next day everyone was making fun of me that I snored. When I tried to speak with others, they would either remind me that I snored or ask if I was transgender. They would tell me they heard that I wanted to be a girl and did not even start puberty. It did not help when I would answer in a high pitched voice. 

I decided to explore the school once again. I tried to convince myself that I was a good person, and they would get over the things that they noticed and see the positive side of me. I was a newcomer and they did not know me. I was convinced that God would help me and I would be accepted and have some friends. 

These two boys that were very young and small came up to me. They were giggling and asking why I wanted to be a girl. I replied that this was not true. I was a boy and proud to be a boy. The two small boys just giggled as they chanted words such as “sissy” and “gay”, I wanted to hit them but did not want to get in trouble so soon. I just walked away from them as they chanted names at me. It hurt as they chanted. What they were saying was not true. 

The first day at school was a disaster. The English teacher told me that he did not see me before. He asked me who my former teacher was. This was a strange question, so I told him his name was Mr. Donovan. I wondered why he wanted to know this as he hardly knew my old school. The English teacher got mad and said there was no Mr. Donavan at this school. I told him that I am new here and I just came from another school. The English teacher was not impressed. He asked why I was in advanced English when I was so daft. Why did I not say from the start that I went to another school?

I was always good at maths and did advanced maths as well. When I went to the Maths class, no one wanted to speak to me. As we were waiting, one boy said a joke which made me laugh. The boy that joked looked at me asked why I laughed and why I was listening to him talking with his friends. The next time I went to maths, no one wanted to sit close to me. 

It did not help that I did not understand a word the teacher said. I blame him. He spent most of the class telling jokes. He always wanted to be a comedian and he had an audience when he was a teacher. At the end of class, he would rush through what he was supposed to which was fast-talking and a lot of scribbles. I felt like he was trying to teach us rocket science!

On the way out of class, I met a boy called Garret. He looked like a nerd and had these big thick glasses on. I didn't care as he was the first one that said something nice to me. He told me to meet him by the sheds out in the back of the school. 

I was on my way there when I meet Brother Aiden. He was a plump man that looked like he was a good friend with the pupils and always in a good mood. He presented himself as the choir teacher and said I should be in the choir. He told me that he could hear that I had a nice soprano voice and would do well in the choir. I could also meet some friends there. I smiled and thanked him.

Finally, things were going my way. 

I found a group of boys in the back smoking. This was new to me that a school would allow smoking. They told me that they were allowed to smoke there, and no other place. I just stood there thinking that the school must be very liberal. I smoked cigarettes since I was 10. I was by no means a chain smoker but did it occasionally. 

Garret, the boy that invited me here asked what music I like. Everyone became quiet as he asked this and waited for an answer. I was honest and said that I was a huge Madonna fan. Silence followed my answer and then everyone started laughing. How could I like Madonna? She was a slut and used her sexuality to sell music. I defended her music and said it was fresh and new and put people in a good mood. She was different and had a lot of courage. Then one of them said that only girls and gays listened to Madonna. Everyone looked at me and started laughing. 

“Are you a Madonna fan because you want to be a girl?”

“Are you a Madonna fan because you are gay?”

It was now dark, but they continued smoking. One of the other boys gave me a cigarette saying that I had the courage to be different. I smiled at him and accepted the cigarette. I figured that he was right. All my life, I have been different. Being cool was not something that I understood. I just did things my own way. I also assumed that if I smoked, I would be more like them and they could accept me. 

The worse thing happened as I lit the cigarette from the wrong side. The filter lit up in flames as everyone started to laugh. I tried to laugh with them and blame the darkness for the mistake.

Garret said that he had to go and I decided to walk back to the dorms with him.

“I did not ask you to walk back with me,” he snorted at me, “In fact, it's embarrassing that you are walking with me. Everything they say about you is true. You are a sissy and a faggot. You are the school's princess.”

**To be continued**   
_**Will I find friends, and can things get worse?** _


	3. Alone

I just wanted people to accept me at the school and to have friends. I went to bed after a confusing day. I did not want to sleep as I was afraid that I would snore, so I just looked at the Madonna picture and thought of what experienced. I was teased a lot, but I was also part of the cool boys club while they smoked their cigarettes. Garret was speaking with me, and he could be a good friend. I had to have hope and think that I was good enough that people would like me. It would be a mistake if I tried too much as this would make me look desperate.

People did hear me snore that night and to make things worse, I wet the bed! I waited for everyone to leave the dorm and changed the bedsheets and took a shower. This meant that I missed breakfast. I did not worry so much about breakfast, I was more worried about wetting the bed. I was now a teenager. Why did this have to happen to me now?

I met Andrew before classes started, and he totally ignored me. Then I found Garret that was speaking with his friends. He told me that he did not have time to speak with me. This was strange as he was not doing much except talk with others.

It did not go better during classes. Everyone said that they did not want me to sit close to them. I usually ended up in the corner of the room. It was strange and hard just sitting there and watching others chat and laugh. At the start, I would try to say something but everyone would just give me a strange look as if to ask who gave me permission to speak.

I thought that Garret was my friend, but when I tried to greet him during lunch break, he just walked. I tried to follow him and ask how his classes were. Garret did not say anything and just walked quicker. When I was nearly jogging I got the message. This was humiliating as it showed how desperate I was for a friend. I shouted that he could have at least told me he did not want to be with me. Garret looked back and said, “Why would I want to be seen with the school’s sissy?”

Why did everyone think that I was a sissy? I did not know that Andrew told everyone that there were flowers on my jeans. Otherwise, Mom always got me unisex clothes. I admit that some of them did look feminine, but I was not that interested in fashion and did not realize it. I was one of those that were happy to be in the school uniform.

We were getting changed after school and by now I knew that no one was interested in what I had to say. The boys looked at me and teased that I had no hair on my legs or anywhere and that I had no six-pack. They joked and said that I had no muscles. To make things worse, they laughed that I was not wearing boxers but briefs with a cartoon of Daisy Duck on them. I was told that at my age, I should be wearing boxers and not girl panties.

One boy shouted that I looked like a princess. This sealed my fate, and I was now known as the school’s princess. It became my nickname from that moment and it was here that people stopped using my real name. It was not the worse nickname I heard, but it hurt as I knew it was not meant as something nice, a constant reminder that I was different. The boys would never accept me. They would always see me as a sissy and someone strange.

This was confirmed that night when we had supper. I tried sitting at a table and was told that girls were not allowed to sit there. I ended up in the corner of another table with boys that were not popular. This did not stop them from reminding me that even they had a higher status than me. They teased about my high-pitched voice and joked that I would be in retirement before it broke.

We had Choir practice that evening and the teacher was quite pleased with me and proud that I was a part of the choir. This was the one place that I shined and felt like I was good and wanted. The brother said that my voice was suitable for solos, and I was proud to do them. In a way, I would sing the solo and think that I was no longer being ignored or an outcast. Even when I sang with the other choir members, I felt part of the group and that I was part of the common voice the choir had.

Singing in the choir had consequences. After supper, I was walking around when a boy called Brian came up to me and without warning pushed to the ground. While I was on the ground confused and shocked, they kicked in the stomach over and over again. I felt so much pain. I was unable to stand up and defend myself. The bully continued to kick me as he told me that he was the star of the choir until I came. Then he left me on the ground in pain and in tears.

Andrew walked by as I was on the ground and unable to get up. I was in tears and in shock. Andrew sighed as he saw me and told me that I was a wimp and wondered why I did not even put up a fight. Andrew did not help me and walked on. This hurt just as much as the kicks. I felt as I was not important enough for someone to help me.

It seems like I was in one bad situation after another. No matter what I did, bad things happened. Even when I slept, I would wake up realizing that I wet myself. This made me an emotional wreck, as I was so worried that the others would find out. I would be known as the school's sissy and bed wetter. It took a lot of energy to hide the bed-wetting and often meant more tears and of course no breakfast.

I found the weekends to be both misery and long. Most went home and I would be alone. This was a feeling that I hated. During the week, I was mocked and teased, but at the weekends I would be by myself. The silence and nothing to do was torture in itself. The only thing I could do was to go on long walks which meant that I thought a lot. I tried to remember not to feel sorry for myself or consider myself a victim of bullying but this was hard to do.

It was on one of these long walks that I met the choir leader. He was all smiles and happy to see me. He told me that he was so happy that I was in the choir and that I would audition for the musical that was one of the main events of the school year. I swung my legs as I told him that I no longer wanted to be in the choir and I did not like musicals. This was far from true! I loved the choir and loved singing in it. I just valued my life more.

“So you are quitting the choir!” he said in a disappointed voice, “The choir is important for the school and it was important for us that you were in it. Your voice made the choir much better. There must be a reason why you are stopping. Fine, have your way. You are letting the school down. I thought you were a team player and wanted to help the school.”

I could not tell him the real reason why I stopped. The other boys in the choir did not want me. I had black and blue marks to prove it.

I walked for a bit feeling like the world crashed around me as I quit the only good thing about the school. While I was deep in thought, I bumped in Brother Francis. He was in charge of the dorms and was very popular. It was like he was a friend to everyone. He told me that we had to have a talk.

“We have not talked much,” he said, “It’s a shame that our first talk should be about this. I know that you have a problem when you sleep. You wet the bed. This school has a strict apology for those that wets the bed. They must wear protection as we do not want to be washing our sheets all the time. I know you are older than the boys that usually wet the bed, so I want you to try to solve the problem. There must be a reason why you wet the bed. If you cannot solve the problem, then the option is diapers.”

I was sure that nothing worse could happen in my life.

The boys came back after their weekend home, and I was once again the outcast. I would be invisible to everyone unless they wanted someone to pick on. I was called a princess and teased that I could be a girl. They constantly asked if I was gay. The fact that people thought I was gay was one reason no one wanted to be close to me. They did not want others to think that there was something romantic going on.

Being teased and bullied was a new experience for me. I was always accepted in my old school and was respected. I never thought of those that were at the bottom of the class hierarchy. Now I was at the bottom and it was constant pain and humiliation. I began asking myself if they were right. Was I weird and was there something wrong with me. It made me think that they knew that I was abused by so many gay men. Maybe Andrew was right. Why did I not stand up and say no! Why did I accept it? The fact was that I did accept the abuse despite how much it destroyed my soul. It was the same now… I was accepting being the victim.

I went to the small chapel in the school and looked up at Jesus hanging on the cross.

“Is this a test?” I pleaded to him, “You were tortured and crucified. I am being teased and bullied. How do I stop it? Every time I try something, it becomes worse. Am I weird? Am I a sissy? I am so different that I am a joke? Do I just accept this or what should I do? I can’t take much more of it. Tell me, Jesus, what should I do?”

**_To be continued_ **


	4. The Storm

One thing was being teased and bullied, there was very little I could do about that. I did hope that I could control the bed-wetting. I tried everything to avoid it like not drinking anything after supper and I tried visiting the toilet several times before I went to bed. On top of all this, I prayed and prayed that God would help me and cure whatever caused me to wet the bed.

Nothing happened. In fact, it became worse. I started wetting the bed every day. I was at school now for about 3 weeks and it was just becoming worse. There was no one to confide in. I didn’t want to tell Brother Francis because his solution was just diapers. I had no friend to ask if this was normal or not. There was no friend to tell how worried I was. The bed-wetting was getting hard to hide and it was causing a lot of confusion in my mind.

Brother Francis called me during a study hour, and I knew what this meant. He told me to visit his room that night before I went to bed. This was the start of a daily visit to him, where he would help me put on a diaper. I remember the first time that this happened. Despite that Brother Francis treated me with the utmost respect, it was the most humiliating thing that I tried. It was like any self-esteem and pride that was left disappeared, and I was once again a baby. It was hard walking back to the dorm and hoping no one would see how bulky they were or how noisy diapers can be.

During the day, the other boys continued to tease me and try to convince themselves that I was weak and too much like a girl. Shane was one that ended up doing his best in humiliating me. Shane was someone that always boasted that his dad was a member of parliament. He tried one day to humiliate me when he invited me into the billiards room. I was challenged to a game and was reluctant to do this. There were other boys there wanting some entertainment. I was not all that interested in accepting the challenge, as I knew it was just a setup and an excuse to humiliate me more. It was also a chance for Shane to show how tough he could be. I was to be the victim of their entertainment. However, I ended up playing billiards.

Surprisingly I won and it was the first good thing that happened to me in weeks. Maybe this would show them that I was not totally a lost cause. This was not the case, as one of the boys pushed me to the floor and hit me with a billiard stick. I started crying which just made them mock me more. I looked as they left me on the ground. They were giving each other high fives. Shane was the only one that did not smile. He had this worried look on his face. Shane may have been worried, but he did not help me.

Things did not get better nor did they become worse. When people saw me, they flung insults at me. They would repeat and again that I was a sissy and they thought I was gay. No one ever wanted to be around me, not even the brothers or the staff. The only person I had contact with was Brother Francis.

I was finally allowed to go home for the weekend. I was looking forward to this as it was a place where people knew me, and I was not looked down at. It was a place where I had friends, and they did not consider me weird. I was worried about the bed-wetting. What would mom say when she found out that I now wore diapers at nighttime? What would my brothers say?

Things were not as I expected. Nothing changed when I was at home. Everyone was the same. It was me that was different. I was now a wounded creature and the scars from the way I was treated still hurt. I hid in my bedroom all weekend and did not speak with anyone. When mom tried to speak with me, I would tell her that I had to study and do homework. This annoyed my mother, as she asked why would I come home and hide inside my bedroom?

To be honest, I do not know why I was not social. I was relieved when I did not wet the bed at home. However, the time at home was like I was counting down the hours until I had to go back to school. My mom could see that I was not happy and this worried her. She asked me if everything was OK at school and if I was happy to be there. I did not respond. I kicked myself after as this was my chance to come back home. I lost a golden opportunity.

It was soon time to go back to school. As soon as I came back, I was called in Brother Francis’ room where he helped me with the diaper. After this, I went and sat on my bed thinking that I was once again in hell.

Shane came to my cubical and wanted to apologize to me for what he did in the billiard room.

“You may be different. You are a sissy and likes boys,” he said, “but it was wrong for me to bully you. I do admire your courage. I could never survive what you have. This does not mean that we can be friends. It means that I will not be one of those that makes your life hell here.”

Shane asked me why I had to visit Brother Francis every night. He told me that if Brother Francis was abusing me that I should not accept it. Shane told me to tell someone if I was being hurt. Then he noticed the top of my diaper showing above my pajama pants. Shane did not laugh but simply said that he knew now why I visited Brother Francis. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that I should be careful never to let the others notice. Things would be far worse for me.

Shane did not tell the others what he saw. His conversation did make me think. Did the other boys think that Brother Francis was abusing me? This confused me as Brother Francis was the nicest person at the school. He was not like that and did not want to hurt me. The choir leader was different. He was supervising study hour one day when he came to my desk and called me a traitor. He told me that I did not care that the choir and the musical needs me. Of course, everyone heard this and this made things worse for me.

I was now teased that I did not have the school spirit. They must have has short memories as when I was in the choir, I was not wanted, and I was even beaten up.

My reputation was now sealed at the school. No one wanted to be my friend, and people were afraid to be seen with me. They were afraid that they would be accused of being my boyfriend, or they were as weird as me. The only time I had contact with others is when they wanted to tease or humiliate me. They would call me sissy, gay, and princess and ask if I wanted to be a girl. Some would ask strange questions like could I get pregnant or did I sit down when I was in the bathroom.

Even the two small boys I meet in the first week continued to tease me. It must have been fun for them to have an opportunity to bully an older boy.

My reaction was the same every time I was teased or humiliated. I tried not to show how it affected me. I tried to show that it did not bother me. I ignored it by not responding or walking away. When I was alone, I would bury my head in my hands and cry. It also meant that I never spoke. There was no one to speak with. I was alone in one of the largest schools in the country.

Every time I thought that things could not get worse, I was disappointed. They could and they did become worse!

One night we had a film evening. Brother Francis wanted me to get ready before the film as he would be asleep when the film was over. So I had a diaper under my jeans as we saw the film. The film was about a girl that dressed up as a boy to get on the sports team. I thought the film was good. At that stage, I thought any film was good as it was an escape from reality.

After the film was over, the boys gathered around me and asked me was I like the girl in the film. Was I really a girl that was dressed as a boy to be at a boy's school. I tried my usual thing as I did not respond and tried to walk by them. This was not possible as I was cornered.

One boy wanted me to prove that I was not a girl, so they pulled down my jeans as for the first time I was in tears. Everything became so silent as the boys did not know what to say when they saw me wearing a diaper. They all stood back and were in shock. Then came the outburst of laughter. I was now a baby princess. I was asked if I wanted a baby bottle or should I not have a crib. Others were a bit ruder as they called me piss-pants.

I ran as quickly as I could. The next few days were hell. Everyone knew about the diaper, and they were convinced I was really a girl pretending to be a boy. I was stuck in a black hole where my spirit and self-esteem was destroyed. The worse thing was that I was beginning to believe what the boys said. Was I so different?

I found myself in the Chapel once again where I was in tears pleading for God and all the saints to help me.

“Stop whining” Brother Aiden (the choir teacher) shouted. “You are praying so loud that I could not even pray. Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself. The others tease you because you do not have the school spirit. You do not belong here. Maybe you should go back to your old school!”

Brother Aiden was right. Why be at a place where I was not wanted. I had no friends and everyone thought I was weird. I never spoke with anyone and slowly this school was killing me.

I went down to the telephone booth and phoned mom.

“Hi Sweetie,” she said, “How is school?”

I started crying and could not speak as weeks of tears were now gushing out. When I could speak, I told mom that I wanted to go home. How soon can they be here to pick me up

**_To be continued_ **


	5. 5. Sissy Baby

I wanted to go home. I could not put up with the bullying and the teasing again. I was tired of being considered strange and inferior. Life at boarding school was hell. Being teased and bullied was the best that happened to me. At least it gave me some contact with the others. The worse thing was being alone and feeling like you have no support or friends. The worse thing was not having hope!

I told mom all this and hoped she would tell Dad tp pick me up straight away. I did not expect her to be silent. After a few minutes of hearing Dad's voice in the background, Mom told me that she thought I should try some more and to “stick it out”. This shocked me and I told her that my life could not get any worse. I begged for her to come and collect me. She refused to come and told me to wait a few days. My aunt was coming to visit me, and she would speak to me.

I felt even more alone now as I thought my family was ignoring me. The next time when I went to get my diaper on, Brother Francis told me to sit and have a chat with him. He told me in a nice way that I could tell him my problems. I told him what my life was like. Brother Francis just sat there and listened.

“I heard that they found out about the diaper,” he said, “I know for a boy your age that this is very humiliating. The fact is that children can be so mean. You are a good person. I think we should speak about this when you come and get changed. You need someone to talk with about your sufferings.”

This made me smile as someone wanted to listen to me. Brother Francis told me that whenever he felt like he was suffering, he offered these sufferings to Jesus. He explained that Jesus suffered for us and our sins, so we can offer our sufferings for him. He reminded me to imagine that the sufferings that Jesus had were far worse than what we experience.

When I went back to my cubical in the dorm, I found a pacifier on my bed. I threw the pacifier in my drawer and looked up to heaven and told Jesus that I appreciate that he died for our sins.

I was teased as much as I ever was. My body had black and blue marks because I was shoved and at times punched. I tried being positive and I tried not to feel sorry for myself. During one study hour, I asked myself how many times did I smile since I came to this school? I knew that I could count them on one hand. Was this a sign of what the rest of my life would be like? Was there any light at the end of the tunnel?

My Aunt came and it quickly became obvious that she would not be taking me home. Despite what I told her about what this school was like and how lonely I was. When this did not work, I showed her the black and blue marks on my body. My uncle seemed to have some sympathy, but my aunt did not. I was told that our family was respected and liked. If I was having problems, then I should work on myself to be a better person.

I was now in tears and I stopped begging to go home. My aunt told me to stop crying. This school could be good for me and to help me mature. I looked at her wondering did she not notice how bad it was and how unhappy I was. I went silent and held my tears back.

When my aunt went, I looked at the school and said to myself that I did not want to go back to school. I walked to the park and sat on a bench. I could not stop the tears coming. I looked down as I did not want people to see me. All that went through my mind was the fact that I would have to survive here for years. The big question is would I survive?

This old woman sat down next to me and told me that I look like I was the saddest boy in the country. I did not reply but wiped my tears away.

“You feel like the world hates you and have many hardships.” she said, “I bet you even asked God to help you and wonder where he is. I can assure you that you are not alone. You have the courage to survive the bullying and teasing that you got at school. You are different, and be proud of who you are. Remember to keep a good and pure heart. Remember to forgive. You are not alone and things will get better.”

How did this woman know that I was getting bullied? When I turned to look at her, the seat was empty and I could not see her anywhere.

Things were not different when I went back. I was still invisible until people wanted to tease or hurt me. I could not help thinking about the old woman who said I was not alone. This made me think that some guardian angel was sharing the pain with me?

The headmaster called me in his office. His name was Br. Columba. He was a very serious religious brother that was bald. Pickard, who was in Star Trek's next-generation reminded me a lot about him. His office was very posh and I did not like it at all. He told me that he knew I was being teased and bullied and he wanted to know who it was that teased me. He did not ask how I was, he just wanted names. He wanted to know if it was Justin. I never spoke with Justin. He was a loner and spent all his time alone.

I just sat there and said nothing. I could have got half the school in trouble, but I was not a snitch. I am sure they would not be nicer to me because I did not tell their names, but I know if I did, it would mean I would be hurt. Brother Columba was very annoyed with me and made it known that he was disappointed with me.

That evening at supper, two boys sat down at my table. This was strange as I usually had to beg to sit at a table. One boy's name was Declan. He was a normal-looking boy that had a small lisp when he spoke. He also waved his hands a lot. The other boy's name was called Kieran. He was smaller and had these big eyes. Everyone called Kieran “Kermit” because of his big eyes. Declan and Kieran always hung together. They lived close to each other.

Declan wasted his no time at teasing me. He wanted to know if I had princess dresses and did I find my prince yet? I just looked down and ate and did what I usually have done... nothing. There was not much he could do to me that I did not hear yet. Both Declan and Kieran was not popular. So this was their way of telling me that even I was lower than they are!

After we ate, I went to the study hall and sat at my desk. The others were doing their own things. Reading books and doing homework did pass the time and made me feel less lonely. Kieran came up to me and asked me to forgive him for the teasing. I nodded my head and said that of course he was forgiven. After a bit of silence, he sat down and we started talking. Kieran mostly talked about himself and his family. He was not a rich snob. His family was farmers that worked hard. Kieran also thought it was hard to be at this boarding school. He admitted that there were so many snobs, and for a Catholic school, the pupils could be so mean.

Kieran was nice and it was the first time that someone really spoke to me in the few months since I came to the school. He was not trying to tease me or make me say things that he can tell the others about. This was a normal conversation.

Kieran told me, “I know that you have no friends, and I think you seem to be nice. The others say so much about you. They say that you are a sissy and gay and that you wear diapers. I do not know if this is true. I do not think that we can be friends. If we do become friends then my life could be hell.”

I heard this so many times that it did not bother me anymore. People were so afraid that I would tarnish their image if they were my friends.

Brother Francis noted that I was in a better mood that night. I told him that Kieran spoke with me and despite this seems like a small thing, it was a huge event for me. Brother Francic smiled and explained that no man can live on an island alone. Humans needed to be social. He told me that people will see me for the kind and compassionate person I was. He really hoped that I would not give up hope or become bitter.

Things went back to normal. My economics teacher had an exam once a week, and once a week we all changed seats according to the grades we got. This caused some competition and the other boys really were interested in getting one of the top 3 seats. I will be honest, as my aim was just to survive the class. A stuck up boy called Paul always won the top seat. This was until I came. I suddenly got the top seat which shocked everyone. The other pupils did not congratulate me. After class, Paul and some of his friends pushed me like a football from one person to another person. They would hit me and then push me to the next person. I ended up on the ground trying to breathe and trying to hold back my tears.

Kieran saw this and helped me the best way he could. He thought that no one deserved what I just experienced.

“I am not afraid what others say,” he said, “I like you and hope we will be good friends.”

I was on a pink cloud when he said this. I finally made a friend. This was all that I asked for. Declan did not like that I was now part of their little group. I tried my best to show him my positive sides. He did not tease me but made it clear that we were not friends. I did not mind, as Kieran was now a friend.

It was time to go home. I did the same as the last time and hid in my room. The school was still hell but now I had a friend. Despite Kieran being a friend, I dreaded going back to school.

My parents did not want me to come home, but my mother was still worried. She came into my bedroom and asked if I still wanted to come home, or did I want to go back to boarding school?

**_to be continued_ **


	6. 6. Hope

I looked at my mum when she asked me did I want to come home? I did not understand that she was suddenly wanting me to come home after she refused when I really needed it. Of course, I wanted to go home. I never wanted to see that school again. The problem was that people would think that I was a failure if I came home. I suppose that I still had pride. I begged to come home before and was ignored. I would not beg again.

I did tell a friend Timmy what it was like at the boarding school. I admitted to being teased and even punched. Timmy did not understand this as he said I was popular at the old school. He told me that not many dared admit they were a Madonna fan. It was almost as if he did not believe in the troubles I had

When was at home again, I was on my bed listening to the radio and looking at all the posters I had of Madonna. Madonna did things differently than others. She was not afraid to provoke. Of course, her provocation kept her in the press, but Madonna was not afraid of what she wore or how she acted. She was called rude and gross, as well as a bimbo, but that did not stop her. She did not play the victim and this made her more of a social rebel.

It was time that I stopped being the rebel. I had to accept I was different. I had to be the person I was proud to be. So I decided that one main reason why everyone bullied me was my image. It was time to change my image and show them who I really was. I went through my mother's jewelry and took some chains and crosses that she never used. I was only borrowing them! Then I used safety clips and put them on my denim coat. So in the end, my coat was full of chains and crosses.

I then fixed my hair where I made it look like a mess. I used my mother's curler to make curls in the back. I was not happy yet. I used some mascara on my eyes and wore the jeans I wore the first day (the ones with the flowers sewn in)

I was happy and ready to go back to school. If they wanted to talk about me, they would now have something to talk about!

Kieran was shocked to see me. I was smiling as he stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to say. Then he said that the new unisex look was quite provoking and yet suited my personality. This made me smile. Kieran was one of those that dressed traditionally and our fathers could have dressed the same as he did.

The other boys also stood there thinking of what they should say. I knew they would start teasing, but it was fun that they were so shocked that they had to think of what to say. It was Declan that was the first to speak, he did not like that I was now friends with Kieran. He said in a voice that was loud enough for everyone to hear that he did not know if I was a boy or a girl. It was certain that he was trying to gain some points with the others as he tried to tease and humiliate me. I do not know why I finally stood up for my self, but I asked if his grandmother was missing the clothes that he wore. This made everyone laugh.

The new image and the rebuke with Declan did not redeem me and suddenly make me popular. However, it did give me confidence. I knew I dressed differently and I knew that I would never get many friends. However, I was friends with Kieran and even at times, Declan would tolerate me. I think that the fact that I was not alone helped me when I was teased and even shoved or punched. It meant that someone did not think that I was totally weird. It meant that someone understood me.

Another boy joined our little group. His name was Justin, He was a loner and spent most of the time by himself. Like myself, he was at the bottom of the school hierarchy. This meant that people talked about him, but never to his face. If they did they would get punched or something worse. This gave Justin a strange image, as he was feared and yet he was looked down at. The headmaster wanted nothing more than to find an excuse to expel Justin. Even this threat didn't bother Justin. He hated school!

I was not afraid of Justin, He was funny and seen things in a way that I did not. He was a great believer in that one should be true to one's self, and not act or pretend to be someone else because it will mean you will be liked. Kieran also liked Justin while Declan did not. We decided that we would form our own little group. We would be the misfits of the school.

Things changed at school however the others could see I was happier and this meant that they did their best to be eviler when they saw me. The two little boys were also trying to tease me. One day they asked me did I use a baby bottle and a pacifier because I had a diaper on when I slept. I screamed like a mad man and raised my fist and chased them around. I do not think I would have hit them, but they did not know that. They never bothered me again.

I now agreed with my parents that I would go home every second week. Kieran and Justin went home every weekend. This was when the old life came back. I would feel so alone and just walked a lot or studied a lot. I would even speak with myself which was probably a bad sign. The others would tease and hit me and this all made the weekends like hell.

Brother Francis tried talking to me and to tell me that things were fine. He had a theory that the bedwetting was psychological because of the way I was treated by the others. His theory was confirmed when I said that I did not have a problem when I went home. I did not understand his theory. He asked me if I ever did use the pacifier I found on my bed. I admitted that I now had a few pacifiers and they helped me to sleep. Brother Francis smiled at this and said that it was a form of regression. I felt safe as a baby and acted like one to escape reality.

While Brother Francis was nice, the other Brothers were not. Brother Aiden kept reminding me that I let the school down because I was not in the choir or the musical. Some of the other Brothers asked why I dressed the way I did if I wanted to join a religious order. Some even suspected that I used mascara.

Things became very bad when Justin and I went for a walk after school one day. We sat on the bench that I sat on months before and I told Justin about the lady that I met here when things were at its worse. This made Justin smile and say that she must have been an angel. I did not smile at this, as I really thought that she could have been an angel!

The next day, all hell broke loose. Someone saw us sitting in the park and expanded this by saying that we were kissing each other. I sighed when I heard this and thought that if I wanted to kiss a boy, I would not do it in public! The other boys could not see this. They were now convinced that I was gay and Justin was my boyfriend. This was probably the teasing that effected me the most while I was at this school. I could understand that they called me a princess, but I did not want a boyfriend. I was also confused about why this did not sadden Justin. His only comment was to ignore them. We knew what happened and we did not do anything gay. This was not good enough for me. I wanted everyone to know that we were innocent.

It did make me think if I was gay. At this time, being gay was something taboo and considered either a perversion or a sickness. I started asking myself do I consider some boys cute or did I look at boys in school showers. I became more and more depressed because the others kept on calling me gay. I was starting to believe it!

One night, the “misfits” were walking on the school grounds. I liked these walks when things were dark and only the moon and stars lit the way. For some reason, we found ourselves on a shed roof. When it was time to climb down, I thought it was not that far down, so I jumped. I twisted my ankle.

I was even bullied about this. I was given crutches and told not to walk on the ankle. However, I could not figure out how to use crutches. The other boys teased that I was just faking that my ankle was sprained. This did not sadden me as I understood them that it looked strange that I did not really use the crutches. However, I did not like being called a faker. I did not use the crutches and walked in pain until it was healed, which probably was a long time.

One great thing did happen to me at this time. On my way home, there was always a girl from the girl's school. It was love at first sight. She was the most beautiful girl that I ever did see. I would sit behind her, so I could look at her. We never did speak with each other. I just sat there and adored her. It was a sign to me that I was not gay, as I never did feel this way around a boy!

I was in the chapel once more, where I sat down looking at Jesus on the cross. I was not in tears this time.

“God, I am still bullied and teased, but I now have a few friends and do not feel all alone. I feel like I have friends that will support me and make me feel normal. I feel accepted by them and this has given me hope. I know the bullying will not stop and I can deal with this. I feel like during the time of darkness, that you were with me and took some of the pain I had on your shoulders. Now you blessed me with good friends. I would like to thank you for this.”

**Stay tuned for the Final Chapter**


	7. 7. The Misfits

Our little group was Kieran, Justin, and me. Sometimes Declan considered himself part of the group, but that was only when he was being teased or bullied. Otherwise, he was with friends that waved with their hands just as much as he did. I was treated just as bad as I was since I was the first day. The difference now was that I had someone's shoulder to cry on.

Brother Francis was certain that I was regressing when I wet the bed. He thought I felt safe if I was a baby. I definitely hated sleeping at school. I snored and I snored loud enough for 10 people. I do not know why people think that snoring should be something to be ashamed of. I mean, you cannot help if you snore when you sleep. Some nice boys tried giving me advice like blowing my nose and even using a clothespeg. That did not help. The rest of the boys just teased me.

There were even problems at the time in our little group. During our last year at the school, Justin was no longer part of it. This happened once when we were playing a game of chess. I was never good at chess. I did not have the patience to wait for the other person to move. Some chess players sit and think about every possible move and this can take a long time. Justin was one of these people. I found out that Justin was also a bad loser. Somehow I was winning the game, knocking all his chess pieces out... one by one.

Justin got frustrated and mad and picked up the chessboard and threw it on the floor. Then he picked up his chair and threw it at me, missing me by a few inches. I shouted that he was totally insane and ran out of the room.

Kieran happened to be there that weekend. He stayed some weekends when he wanted peace to study. He found me sitting on the ground shaking in fear. I told him what happened and he suggested that we go for a walk.

The walk was about Justin when we walked. Kieran thought I should forgive him and at the same time be careful. I was not in shock or anything. I felt like I lost a good friend. I knew that Justin was not like others. I never imagined that he would want to hurt a friend. The only answer I could think of was that he lost control and did not think. If this happened, then he was far more dangerous.

Kieran and I went down by the docks and saw a ship from the Middle East. We looked at the ship and could see no one on it. I needed to forget about Justin so I told Kieran that we should explore the ship. Kieran was very reluctant and told me that we would get kidnapped and be slaves someplace in the Middle East.

Before I knew it, we were on the ship. It was a huge ship and we did not see anyone. The ship was not that interesting. It had one narrow hall after another one. Kieran was very worried, as he thought the ship would start to move or we would be kidnapped. He also wondered if we would get lost. The adventure was cut short when we heard someone ask who we were. I don't think we ever ran so fast out of the ship.

We were laughing as we came back to school. We really felt like we were just some part of a huge adventure or a James Bond film.

This was cut short when Justin tried to speak with us. He was all smiles and it was as if nothing ever happened. I lost my temper with him and told him that he was supposed to be a friend. Friends do not throw chairs at each other. The strange thing was that Justin could not see what he did wrong. His view was that we just had a small disagreement and I should get over it.

I did not get over it. It took me several weeks to speak with him again. I did forgive him, but I did not forget. We were not close friends.

It seems like the whole school heard about Justin's outbreak. This did not matter. I was still bullied. The headmaster even called me in his office and wanted me to tell what Justin did. The headmaster spent a lot of energy on trying to expel Justin. This was the second time that he tried to do it with my help. I denied everything and said what people were saying was just rumors. I did not want Justin expelled because I was bitter or wanted revenge!

It was shortly after this that Brother Aiden came where Kieran, Declan, and I were talking. There were a few months left of school. I dreaded every time that he wanted to speak with me. He would just remind me how I let the school down by not being in the choir or musical. I wondered what he wanted now. The musical was done.

He apologized to me and told me that he was unjust with me in the past few years. He heard why I did not want to sing or be in the musical. Brother Francis must have told him that I was beaten up and the others did not want me there. The apology came very late, but at least Brother Aiden could see what he has done was wrong. I forgave him.

It was not like that everyone that tortured me during the last two years suddenly apologized. I was still called a princess and everyone thought that I was gay.

The little group of Kieran, Declan, (Justin) and I was known as the misfits. Everyone thought we were friends with each other because we could not find other friends. There was an element of truth with this. This did not mean we were not genuine friends. We were happy misfits and we did not consider each other as weird or different.

I must correct myself. Declan was a complainer and did not like me. I did not like him either. However, we tried to be civil with each other because of Kieran. It also helped when another boy called Robin joined our little group. He was not teased or anything. He was a quiet boy that had no need to be popular.

I was now in the headmaster's bad books. I did not help him to expel Justin and I told him that I did not want to join the religious order. I decided that I wanted to be a Franciscan monk. The religious order at the school did nothing to help me in the few years that I was there. Only Brother Francis helped me, and it seemed like the others turned a blind eye. I read a book on Saint Francis. This saint had a heart and through his poverty and humility, could come closer to God and be happy. I wanted to follow his example.

We were now starting to do our final exams. I no longer visited Brother Francis before bed as I stopped wetting the bed. This made me happy and showed me that there was always hope. I did not stop snoring though.

One day Garret came to where Kieran and I were studying. This was a surprise. He was the boy that I met when I first came to school. He made it no secret that he did not want to be associated with me. He told me he needed my help in English. I do not know why I thought he would apologize. It should have come as no shock that he just wanted my help. I reminded him about the time that I nearly chased him after school thinking he was my friend, only to be told that he did not want to be seen with me. In those two years, Garret never spoke with me unless he wanted to bully me. I should have helped him and forgave him, but I looked him in the eye and reminded him he should be careful not to be seen with me. He got no help from me.

It soon was time to leave school. Brother Francis gave me a hug and told me that I survived. He told me never to lose my friendship with God and always think of others.

“You have been teased and bullied,” he reminded me, “You have been humiliated and hurt. You had faith in God and he has shown you there is always hope. In your life, you will always meet misfits and people that our society tramples on. This experience at our school may give you empathy and help these people see the light!”

**_Hope you liked this story. Leave a comment or write to me. I invite you to visit my profile and read some of the other stories I wrote._ **


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